a bad day or two

I have devolved into being a raw nerve, of being a short fuse with frustration at skin level.   Streaming tears of exhausted deep sadness, loss, and despair.  The brain fog sitting and smothering.

I want my life back.  I want this terrible vulnerability to lessen.  I want to live without being flattened by unexpected crash landings.

I want to be able.

Other people hold my hope for a happy ending.  I breathe through moments:  I don’t have enough power to hold firmly to the hope, just enough to get beyond a long moment of despair for the future I have remaining.

Advertisements

41 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pix Under the Oaks
    Apr 25, 2013 @ 13:37:25

    L I can only say that I am here, I am reading, I hear you and that with the depression/anxiety thing I have going on I understand some of your emotions. For me I always say that I want to stop feeling like I am flying apart in a million pieces. And I don’t like the unexpected crash landings that take me down at every bendy twisty place in the road. I get it. Sort of, if that helps and I can tell you I understand the sadness of losing who we were. I want the old Pix back for me and for CH just like you want the old you back. I am here L and I wish I could do more but all I can do is offer you my ear and hugs and whatever else might help that I am capable of doing.

    Reply

  2. heretherebespiders
    Apr 25, 2013 @ 14:33:53

    Do what you can, my dear. We who care, especially Big Mister, know how much all this means to you. For crissakes, it’s not as if you are a lazy cow! You try and try as best you can and yes, somedays that won’t be enough. I have no magic, just the ability to be here. X

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      Apr 25, 2013 @ 15:00:28

      I needed to hear someone who cares about me *know* that I keep trying, E. I have to flippin’ practice to be lazy, I’m so bad at it. When do we suppose I’ll understand that some days my best isn’t enough to fend off the wobblies? Thank you so much for being here. This blows.

      Reply

      • heretherebespiders
        Apr 25, 2013 @ 16:06:49

        Wobble when you must – I get the feeling you fight the wiggle too hard sometimes and it overcomes. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Sweetheart, I’ve never met you in person, only seen your beautiful face in static photos, and I know these things. Just give your man an extra hug when it gets bad; he’ll know where it comes from, words not needed. I’ll hold that hope for you when you can’t for the moment. You really, really have come a long way. It’s just such a massive distance to cover.

        Reply

        • lahgitana
          Apr 25, 2013 @ 17:38:57

          You are right–and I’ve only just figured it out–I fight the wiggle too hard because I think I can prevent the next natural step because I dread it happening. These past two days I have let myself fall–and have watched a couple of movies and read a couple of detective novels, so have brought calm.

          Your last two sentences are important. The final one is essential to remember. Thank you for saying….

          Reply

  3. nadbugs
    Apr 25, 2013 @ 19:39:08

    Whoops. I mean to say — I don’t exactly “like” what’s happening to you — but I hit that button after reading your conversation with the others. I do “like” that, very much. Hugs. I’m so glad to see the fine support you have!

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      Apr 26, 2013 @ 08:06:54

      hey you! thanks for stopping by….

      I wish we could have a bunch of different buttons along with the Like button. Maybe: I Was Here. or: Aaarrrgggh!

      Reply

      • nadbugs
        May 02, 2013 @ 04:43:16

        Great idea. Would be great to be able to monetize it. I love that word. Monetize. Where else but USA.

        Reply

        • lahgitana
          May 02, 2013 @ 06:32:23

          Well, *somebody* had to invent the Like button! Why shouldn’t we have an income stream from weird-a&& sh*+?! <:-D

          You must still be studying contracts (=$$)… !! <{:-D

          Reply

          • nadbugs
            May 03, 2013 @ 06:08:50

            Contracts, yes. And constitutional law. And torts. And evidence. And real property. And one more subject I can’t even remember at the moment, which does not auger well. And that’s only the Big Six. There’s more. Much more. I started out this reply laughing. But I’m not laughing now. I’ll go back to laughing.

            Reply

        • lahgitana
          May 06, 2013 @ 06:48:28

          I’m pretty sure the laughing bone is not connected to the contracts and constitutional law bone(s)! Hope you found laughter again.

          Reply

          • nadbugs
            May 08, 2013 @ 04:39:34

            But you know what? I find I can amuse myself even in constitutional law. E.g.:

            If a law regulates to some extent but a fundamental right or a suspect classification is not involved, then the court assesses whether the law has a rational basis and the governmental interest is legitimate. That is to distinguish strict scrutiny and a compelling state interest, which is what must be assessed when the government regulates a fundamental right or discriminates against people in a suspect classification.

            With me so far? You’re not laughing?

            Well, one of the ways I can find my way through that tangle is to remember an old boy”friend” who was a rat bastard. Geddit? RATional BAsis and (ill)legitimacy.

            Still not laughing?

            Well . . . . at least calling him a rat bastard in public makes me feel a little better about the whole thing . . . . At least . . . .

            Reply

        • lahgitana
          May 08, 2013 @ 06:23:40

          I stand corrected! hahahahahaa! July until you can stop muttering “rat bastard”?

          Reply

        • lahgitana
          May 10, 2013 @ 11:04:30

          there are some things that become part of us: deep philosophy! hahahahahaha! rat bastard to the end of (your) days!

          Reply

  4. minlit
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 00:00:06

    What nadbugs and spiders said.

    Reply

  5. FeyGirl
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 05:15:10

    ♥✿♥✿♥ to you….

    Reply

  6. Jude
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 09:08:49

    Only just read your post today and I’m so sorry that you’ve taken a dive. My friend and I who sometimes talk of our ‘black moments’ talk of the treacle well. It’s a deep dark well that you get pulled into quite unexpectedly. It has a creature with long tentacles that lives in the dark at the bottom. Sometimes an insidious tentacle slithers out, grabs your ankle and pulls you down. Sometimes you get sucked all the way to the bottom where you sit in black treacle. Sometimes you grab a hand-hold halfway down and manage to haul yourself back to daylight. The only thing I have learned is that you WILL come back up. And always remember your friends are with you, in the dark and in the light. Hugs xxx

    Reply

  7. lahgitana
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 10:47:10

    I know for sure that you’re right about the existence of the Treacle Monster!

    Thank you for being here, Jude. –L.

    Reply

  8. Jude
    Apr 26, 2013 @ 13:59:54

    More hugs x

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      Apr 26, 2013 @ 14:45:14

      accepted!

      This time is so awful that I wouldn’t have survived without my friends…. Isn’t that nice, though, to be part of a lovely circle?! >:-D

      Reply

  9. speccy
    Apr 28, 2013 @ 11:58:42

    It’s the unexpectedness that floors me. I’m tootling along, doing my wee bit, thinking I have this pacing thing finally right and then…crash. it’s entirely predictable, but I forget. Then I despair and everything in the world seems insurmountable. Eventually, I too find the calm. I hadn’t got there when I first read this, so I had to go away. You capture the raw-ness so very well :)

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      Apr 28, 2013 @ 13:11:14

      Yes, me too. Tootling along, doing what seems very little, then wham! It’s still a moving target so I can’t predict very well. Or if a particularly ferocious frustrated “f$&*!” means that I’m frustrated or that I’m on the way down.

      Last night I woke up from Stupid Brain Symptoms and I kept thinking how it must sound like I’m “only” depressed. This is so different from depression, and somehow I want to make that clear to other people. (Why, I’m not sure.)

      You make it clear that you understand too well. I can’t tell you how you’ve added to my calm, so I thank you for coming back and commenting. A lot thank you, FionaSpeccy.

      –Laurel

      Reply

  10. Dianda
    May 01, 2013 @ 05:47:33

    Look at all the people who have your back! We’re going to get you pull you through this. :) Dragging if needed!

    Reply

Go ahead! Share!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Creative Commons License

%d bloggers like this: