Do you remember the Robert de Niro/Robin Williams movie, Awakenings?  I saw it when it came out around 1990, but I’ve never forgotten the miracle-followed-by-heartbreak bit.  Short story:   neurologist messes with brains using pharmaceuticals to reverse catatonia.   Miracle return-to-life followed by lack of miracle.

In my last post I wrote about those 5 days I had recently, 5 days where I had partially emerged from the brain fog of the last 13 months and experienced life calmly and quietly. 

I told about the beauty of calm clarity being torpedoed and the return to the mush of brain-addled anxiety.  Oddly enough, it was in slow-motion:  it took me two days to fully collapse inward after the hate-bomb landed.

One line in that post, a few words only to describe the anguish of the return to the addled state.    The anguish came from observing the descent, of clawing the walls of my dry well on the way down, begging to not go back to the bottom.

I don’t get a choice about emerging into the sunshine or plummeting to the rocky bottom.  I am able only to choose tools to ease the descent and the following days/daze of being.

The last 5 months have been brutal.  That’s the only word I can think of.  Brutal.

I’m doing OK.  Tired, quiet, but returning to calm.   Hoping for more days like those 5 days.  I liked ’em!

29 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. heretherebespiders
    Mar 15, 2013 @ 15:25:30

    I think my only solace in your story is that none of it is your fault. Does that make sense? If you had done something or chosen a direction that clearly would cause harm, and it did, then it would be a much different tale. I’m glad I met you ‘before’ because to me, you’re the same person, just wounded. Still amazing, artistic, funny, giving and above all loving. No one as fab as you should be this wounded, but many less than you would have given up by now. Love ye :)


  2. nadbugs
    Mar 16, 2013 @ 04:24:25

    And the roller-coaster ride swings into yet another phase. Well — with you wherever it goes, dear one.


    • lahgitana
      Mar 16, 2013 @ 07:15:11

      Good thing I’ve always loved the clackety-clack of those old-timey wooden roller coasters, huh?!

      Where would I be without this community? You remind me that I am not alone and to just grit my teeth while I go through the next thing *because* I am not alone.


      • nadbugs
        Mar 16, 2013 @ 19:09:28

        Oh heavens — the wooden ones! Isn’t it great to remember these? One thing I especially appreciated about one I loved at Cedar Point Ohio, apart from the clackety-clack music track, was that it was ROUGH! Kinda like what you’re going through. Rough — but real. Not this newfangled plastic sh*t. It’s great to be an old f*rt. Did you walk 6 miles barefoot through the snow to get to school too?


  3. sweetdaysundertheoaks
    Mar 16, 2013 @ 06:11:40

    Dang, I got me something to say but I want to say it so bad but it is all jumbled up in my head and I can’t get it from my befuddled head to my fingers to type. heretherebespiders’ first comment says so eloquently what I want to say to you so I hope she won’t mind if I say “ditto” and I hope L you won’t think I am fudging out. Hundreds of cheers for you returning to calm! Ima shoot you an email after breakfast.. :)


    • lahgitana
      Mar 16, 2013 @ 07:18:18

      Hey Oakses! I think you said it quite fine, dear Pix! For which I thank you. A lot. You can’t know how deeply helpful it is to me for you to stay with me on this, er, journey. (Tho’ “journey” reminds me of a solo adventure to Italy and this is more like a bad trip. !!)


  4. speccy
    Mar 16, 2013 @ 07:39:10

    Knowing you have the tools and how to use them, even if it takes a while, is a big step. It doesn’t make the rubbish any less, but the bottom of the pit is not inevitable, and even if that’s where you end up, this time you know you can make it out. x


    • lahgitana
      Mar 16, 2013 @ 08:04:16

      I’m a little scared to hope that I can make it back out–certainly it wasn’t just a one-off, right?! That I really am improving and going toward the light. (No, not that one!)

      The tools are making life easier–first came the acceptance of how a given moment is, then comes rummaging through the toolbox.

      Or, there is always Big Mister who suggests gently that I might like a cup of that nice Valerian tea…. !! Sometimes I can’t appreciate him enough–he gets to carry my toolbox when I can’t even remember it’s there.


  5. IsobelandCat
    Mar 18, 2013 @ 07:18:01

    You have fallen off my Reader again Laurel, so I didn’t realise you had posted twice since I was last here. Those five days sound very positive, and I like what Speccy wrote. I imagine for you the frustration / temptation is now to want to hustle another five such days into being as soon as possible, combined with the fear that it was one off. Sounds to me as though you are mending. Maybe the colouring, the doodling, reading and listening is feeding your brain and helping it heal. I have just found out that the Reader Organisation has a group near where I live, so I a hoping to get there sometimes. I’ll let you how how it goes.


  6. lahgitana
    Mar 18, 2013 @ 08:07:01

    Your sentence beginning “I imagine for the…” is spot on. I admit to wanting to hustle along, but fortunately have trained myself to go easy. Those days were amazing, Isobel. I thought about traveling as a traveler does, not as an injured person who’d never make the strain of just the jet flight.

    I can’t bring those days back with any mechanism–I can only hope (a lot) and keep my days gentle, all the while listening carefully to what is.

    I have to hope that all that art and reading has done good–allowed re-wiring while I rested. I have noticed rewiring–learned workarounds, for instance, for formerly effortless ways of doing something.

    Yes, do let me know about the Reader folks. !! Sounds right up your alley. So to speak!

    NB: I just read another blog talking about Google Reader going away–perhaps you only refer to WordPress reader? Which of course they’ve tweaked and it’s hard for me to figure out. aagggghhh, new stuff! agggghhh! <:-D


  7. IsobelandCat
    Mar 18, 2013 @ 15:20:10

    Google reader? no idea. I am talking about WP reader which I have only comparitively recently discovered, and which, when it works, is a great way to actch up with posts.
    Poetry group tonight. A lot of fun. The Reader Organisation is in Oz, but not, so far as I can see, in the US. You have to get well to pioneer it.


  8. Jude
    Mar 21, 2013 @ 14:14:16

    Hey L, just to say I’m thinking about you and hope you are surfacing from your plummet. I think it’s a crap time for Pisceans at the moment. The stars seem to have it in for us. Keep your chin up cus this too will pass – well it damn well better!


    • lahgitana
      Mar 21, 2013 @ 16:22:28

      Ah dear Jude–thank you. A kind word goes a long way. I AM surfacing, thank you. Pisceans sense waaaaayy too much anyway so the extra stuff is
      haaaarrrrd! good whingeing there, yes?! >:-D

      Hope you’re doing OK. Since you’re still home, you don’t have news from England perhaps. I’ve been thinking about you, too, and the sad trip coming up….


  9. rlte
    Apr 12, 2013 @ 07:28:06

    Thanks so much for your visits to my blog. Looking forward to seeing more of your art. Rlte


    • lahgitana
      Apr 12, 2013 @ 07:38:40

      Hey there–I enjoy wandering through your art and your recent delight with the weather! I will probably ask you more questions, especially now that I can think better… !!

      Thank *you* for taking a moment to stop in. I will look forward to posting the next bits of art that come out of my head! And there I thought I could only do mosaics! >:-D


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