note to self: beware emotional landmines

For part of the last week, I experienced something new:  calm and clarity.  I could feel it start on the Friday, pushing through the fog that actually parted instead of closing over me.  By that Monday I had emerged in time to enjoy the warm spring sunshine streaming shadows in the budding yard.

By Wednesday, I knew that I had been floating along gently, same rhythm as the last many months–two to three hours of “doing” followed the rest of the day and evening by “being.”  But calm.  No brain-addled anxiety.  For 5 days.  Days of — what?  How do I describe?  Days of the opposite of the last 5 months.  Serenity.

Bang.  Hatefulness right between the eyes by a once-close family member.  I had set her aside a year-and-a-half ago following a vicious attack-by-proxy.   The way I had to set our father aside a generation before he died because he was a walking landmine.

With bomblets in his pockets, he wandered through many lives, dropping them when a new shiny caught his attention.  He was a brilliant man, but his social intelligence was petrifying to observe and to be swept up in.

He taught the next generation well, but it was his social skills he taught.  How horribly sad.    He should not have been a parent.  He made a great husband, I guess, because he married six times.

What she doesn’t see:  she has improved on his version of creating destruction–he wandered away, but she flings the bombs to protect herself against any perceived slights.    And, worse yet, she doesn’t yet know that she has taught the next generation, father’s grandson, to live in fear.  She doesn’t see her ripple effects or just doesn’t care.

She also doesn’t know that sending hurt my way won’t ease the horrible hurts he inflicted on her.  Getting whole by proxy doesn’t work.

Enough about them.   Hatefulness has been commented upon.

By Friday, I was feeling tired and knew that my 5 days of calm clarity were drawing to a close.   I hung on, a deeply hidden part of me screeching with despair:  here comes the fog and upset, but it can’t be, because I felt so good and how could it just end like that for no reason when I followed all the damn rules to be quiescent?  And why do I keep saying I’ve had 5 days of calm when it has been 7 since the start of the calm?  Oh, because on the 5th day came the hate.

I don’t have much emotional capacity still.   Emotional experiences use up my limited brain battery, leaving less ability for nicer pursuits.  An overt demonstration of familial hatefulness would have been difficult in the before-time.  Now, I pay an astonishingly steep price.

Isn’t that the way of hatefulness, though?  An immediate price is exacted from the recipient, an emotional slug to the chops.  The purveyor of hate will have a price to pay.  Later.  In living color.

Now it is up to me to make room in my life for what I want:  calm.  After living through the anguish of laser-guided hate, I will put thoughts away; I must not allow them to roam around, poking at the wound, keeping it festering.  I have done this before with family.  Now that I’m well-practiced, it will go more easily, I’m sure.

18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. heretherebespiders
    Mar 11, 2013 @ 13:14:51

    Because I’m petty, and childish, and I think it is HILARIOUS, I hope someone sends her a lovely gift from this place:


  2. Jude
    Mar 11, 2013 @ 15:27:14

    I’ve always said that an emotional wound is just as bad as a physical one. In fact sometimes it’s worse because if you’re walking around with a black eye or your arm in a cast people see your injury and give you some sympathy. When you’ve been stabbed with the emotional knife no one knows about the pain you’re feeling inside.
    Gather your reserves Laurel and step back. Be kind to yourself. The hurt is bound to hurt but it will dissipate. The sun will come out again and drive off the fog. Push ‘her’ into some far away recess in your mind and slam the door, then walk away feeling taller. Spiders and me and your other blog buddies love you loads and send HUGE hugs.


    • lahgitana
      Mar 11, 2013 @ 15:47:12

      Oh Jude. Thank you for chiming in. I agree so completely with all.

      I’m stepping back double-time now. Her behavior severed the last vestigial wondering I had of letting her back in my life. Slam! And it does feel good to do that.

      Today became better because I talked about her behavior, and you rallied round. Nobody will take away my peace. Nobody.

      I should go measure myself–I think I got taller! <:-D


  3. sweetdaysundertheoaks
    Mar 11, 2013 @ 18:18:08

    Well L I am doing a happy dance that you got taller.. :) You know how I feel about this so all I will do is say I am here for you any old time. Hugs.


  4. Jude
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 04:51:44

    Hey you look taller today!!!! :)


  5. nadbugs
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 09:13:42

    TOTAL HAPPY-DANCE HERE!!! I want to FRAME this post!!! I am in joy!!! With every bit of it. YAY YOU.

    Now I must go check out Spidey’s tip. Sounds — delicious

    EUWWWW. Stop that. Work has twisted me into a shape unrecognizable. Transmogrified me, perhaps. Oh well. Nothing for it but to lean into it.

    BIG HUGS BIG HUGS BIG HUGS you bug. (looking at Spidey’s purple cricket in your margin. And also the gray feline version over here in East Bed, longingly snoopervising the mating squirrels doing the spring-season loop-de-loop on the tree outside)

    LOVE LOVE LOVE to you


    • lahgitana
      Mar 12, 2013 @ 09:35:19

      Well, hot-diggity! <:-D

      and to think I had that old-timey thought about airing dirty laundry in public… generational lessons just keep on givin’!

      Love to you Ahhnita, you who are swept up in glorious work that could moderate itself a little, thankyouverymuch!

      Hi Boys! “snoopervision” indeed!


  6. nadbugs
    Mar 12, 2013 @ 09:17:10

    Hmmm. I wasn’t sure they were serious? But then I found this bit on their site, which makes me think they are? But — how reputable could they be, if they don’t know how to spell “intention”? I tell you, I am intense about this! Or perhaps in tents. Or doubtless in tension; that’s always a given.

    “By ordering one of our products, you agree to the following:

    You may NOT use our service to threaten, constitute harassment, violate a legal restraint, or any other unlawful purpose. The customer agrees this is a gag gift, novelty service for entertainment ONLY and that is their only intension. liability to the customer is limited to the price of the product. Customers ordering any items from this web site agree to release its agents, officers, and employees of any and all liability associated with the use of our services.”


    • lahgitana
      Mar 12, 2013 @ 09:40:52

      You *would* go check the legal language instead of just hitting “Buy”!

      Do they sell it in dime bags, do ye think? Or perhaps is that slime bags? Do we get to choose the source of the offal? “Order up!”

      Speaking of spelling, be sure you’ve been to Spider’s latest! It’s hilarious!


  7. Dianda
    Mar 13, 2013 @ 13:31:03

    Your on a good way!


  8. speccy
    Mar 16, 2013 @ 07:34:04

    The exhaustion caused by emotional upset can be astonishing. A thoughtless email recently had me in bed for days, boiling with rage. I got past it, but it took waay too much energy!
    Family issues are a whole other minefield. Airing dirty laundry is a key part of blogging!!


    • lahgitana
      Mar 16, 2013 @ 08:00:47

      It IS astonishing, isn’t it?! All kinds of energy in the world–emotions are a huge part of that energy. Really, folks, compassion is a better way to share. grrrrrr!

      and: ahahhahahhaa for your last line!

      Enjoy your very own weekend, Miss!


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