power of the word

Apparently, my heart has transported itself to my right side, protected under the clavicle bone.  How do I know that?  Because when the masseuse told me to allow a word to surface from my inner self and then to store it under my heart, I felt the word being stored in my heart on the right side of me.

It wasn’t that weird dyslexic confusion that has been magnified lately.  With calm certainty, I knew that’s where my heart was.

Recovery-time is huge right now, the changes to my brain right smack in my face, like a crack across the cheekbone outta nowhere.  Repeatedly.  Daily.  Hanging on…

To lose my facility with words has been an ego-bashing.  Is this what the Buddhists mean by, to rephrase, flattening the ego?  I dunno.  Don’t care right now.

My words have been a source of power to me, a power that has fueled the Me for half a century, back to the moment as a toddler where I wailed that I couldn’t read.   Even then I knew that words were a power source, that words open worlds.  “Bushels and acres and stars and worlds….”

If I describe this time only as “disconcerting,” I leave out the internal, lonely horrors.   But “disconcerting” suggests a cacophony, a lack of organization, a lack of a unified whole.

Indeed, this moment is disconcerting.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. minlit
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 11:20:59

    I know what it’s like to feel language slipping away. I remember the sleep deprived weeks and months of new babies….I could not put a sentence together. And I could feel the information, somewhere around my ankles, but it was the fog at my knees that stopped me finding them. It can come back, but it is scary. I had visions of it being permanent, and wondering if that was what had happened to the previous generations….Not good.

    Reply

  2. Kathryn McCullough
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 11:21:55

    I know how disconcerting this can be. Afer my first psychotic break, I couldn’t read for a year. Felt like I had lost a limb–the phantom pain! Hang on, my friend! Sending big hugs your way, Laurel.
    Kathy

    Reply

  3. Sharon
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 11:32:10

    Just got out of a 2-hour conference about the power of words. And then you posted this. We’ve never even met but we are connected by the words we type on our blogs. I’m overwhelmed. Hang on!

    Reply

  4. nadbugs
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 13:56:58

    I’m taking this post as a reminder that any of us are equally vulnerable — we’re all in this together. Everything could, and it does from time to time, change in an instant. So I’m recalled to cherish what I have in my life now. You, for example.

    Reply

  5. heretherebespiders
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 14:35:48

    I’m hoping your word wasn’t ‘disconcerting’. I don’t want to know what it was; clearly it was personal and close to your heart no matter where the heart might lie. I absolutely know that 100% sure feeling, and I also do not care if it might be wrong.

    I think, perhaps, the knowledge of feeling slapped is also a hint you are in recovery. I can guess there have been plenty of times that words went awry and you weren’t even aware. Trying to see the positive…

    Reply

  6. ~ Ivy ~ (@ivyft)
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 17:08:49

    I follow Anita in the wonderful act of taking the hint to cherish my ‘now’ and all that could change in a split second. I appreciate you, too. Regardless of any choice of words, that’s for sure. Also, I am reminded in a way of my own journey, even though mine has nothing to do with words. I’ve come to understand that life brings many lessons, but one most of us need to learn is: how to love ourselves no matter what. Our society values certain things in us that become later our self-labels. If by chance we lose such label(s), we feel lost and don’t know how to keep appreciating ourselves without it(them). So now that I know this, I strive everyday to accept and love myself for whatever I am at the moment, regardless of what I do, what I say or don’t say, how I look or any other criterion. It’s a work in progress, but I am determined to succeed at this endeavor and will not give up. Would you like to join the club? ;-)

    Reply

  7. sweetdaysundertheoaks
    Oct 25, 2012 @ 22:50:59

    Aw Laurel! I am not as good with words. But I understand the frustration of not being who I once was. As strong as I used to be. Know I am thinking of you and wishing you weren’t dealing with lonely horrors. Makes me incredibly sad you are this frustrated and I know frustated as a word doesn’t even come close. I miss you.

    Reply

  8. FeyGirl
    Oct 26, 2012 @ 05:01:02

    ♥✿♥ much love to you now through this transition… you’re surrounded by so many good words and feelings; may these help you — I empathize with your fear of this loss.

    Reply

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