recycling debt and recirculating serotonin

Ed. note:  the writer appears to have had her last nerve gotten upon by the economic and medical machines.  You have been warned.


Refinancing car and house loans

We have just finished refinancing our car loan and are just about finished refinancing our house loan.   These are both very good things.  We’ve dropped our monthly output by about $500 (about £300, €390), which helps as my savings dwindles.  (Tons of “helping” programs out there now in mortgage-land because of the horrifying mortgage debacle that tanked our economy.  Yours, too.)

Yes, it’s true that I have not worked since January because of the near-dead thing, but too, the economy still thinks I’m too old to be valuable in the workplace.  I’m 55.  Bastards.  Hence the pursuit of Art as $$$.  (Art is still a much better fit for me as a way to earn money, so that’s just displeasure expressed on behalf of the other old folk who can’t get an interview, much less a dang job.)

Recycling debt

Where does this recycling debt come in?  Our banker (loosely called that since they don’t actually touch money and their storefront is a few desks tucked away in the ubiquitous giant grocery store chain)…

Aw hell, let me try again–Our banker reassured us that by refinancing our car loan while we’re smack in the middle of refinancing the house loan, we would not cause any ripples in said house loan re-fi.  She said:  “You both have excellent credit, and besides, you aren’t taking on new debt; you are recycling old debt.”

We’re green:  reuse and recycle.  Can’t think of a way to re-purpose.

(End of economic nerve-twanging.  Surprisingly short, huh?!)

Recirculating serotonin

I’m gonna keep this medical machine outrage short.  (Yeah, sure!!!!!  {pouting} Well, I’d like to!)

Simplistically stated, serotonin is a happy-chemical produced by our own brains to keep the mood stabilized and the sense of humor intact.  Some of us seem to have low levels of serotonin, which results in a not-happy state.  (Oooo, ooo, that’s me {waving arms wildly}!)

So, some years ago, my medical machine helped me back to the happy state by prescribing antidepressants, which were, I was told, going to boost my serotonin levels.  Side effects?  Schmide-effects!  What’s a seizure between friends?

Hold that thought.

Because of the, shall we say, intensity of the near-dead thing and the COMPLETE lack of medical support following same, I have at last come off the fence (pickets are pointy), and am returning to my former hippie-dippie, I’ll do it my own damn way, there are too alternatives (you money-sucking Bastards) Stubborn Self.

In removing myself from the antidepressants, I have been warned that I could experience a return to the not-happy state that existed prior to the ingestion of same.   Seems odd…

In doing some brief research yesterday to understand amino-acid therapy for stabilising mood, I learned why:  these miracle drugs (money-sucking Bastards) don’t actually boost the serotonin levels.  The drugs (wait for it!) recirculate the low levels we already have.

Couldn’t you medical-machine folks have told me this, as part of full disclosure?  Whywhywhy did you have to be all paternalistic ‘n’ sh!t and pat me on the head and leave out this detail?

Nothing for you to worry about, My Precious.  Trust me.  Whywhywhy did you not give me alternatives when I begged for them because I did not want to take these miracle drugs, but did not know where else to turn?    Whywhywhy were you all doom-and-gloom as you told me that this was the only answer?

what now?

Predictably, I am on a bit of a roller coaster ride.  Add this to my recovery, which is blatant about being long-lived, and is now showcasing my memory-forming dis-ability, and I’m sending Big Mister on vacation alone.  We were together sposta get in the old funky truck that hauls the old funky camper and go tootling off for a week.

I need a break from being observed in my throes of FFS, WTF????   Of having my lack of short-term memory reflected back to me…  Of being in multiple kinds of pain and seeing him worrying about me.

I need to do something for him, and I know it will make him happy to tootle around with no negotiation about going here or there….

No ladders while he’s gone.  I swear.  Yeah, sure.  I just wanna live my life and live it well and do pretty much whatthehell I want when I want.    A discussion of adult-onset dependence will occur someday.  Watch This Space.

This reminds me too keenly of a family-story my mother tells:  as a pre-reading toddler, I was out to dinner with my parents and my slightly-older reading-age brother.  The nice waiter thoughtfully handed me a menu along with the others.  My clearly-heartbroken response:  “But I can’t reeeeeeeeead!”

That’s me now.


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. minlit
    Oct 06, 2012 @ 03:00:16

    I’m guessing if you can write, the last sentence wasn’t literal….so to speak. So, read The Biology of Belief, you hippie dippie, by Bruce H Lipton. Also read Novice to Master by Soko Morinaga Roshi….just because.


    • lahgitana
      Oct 06, 2012 @ 07:21:59

      Waaaaaaaah, yer makin’ me reeeeeeeeeeeeead (again)! Let us hope my comprehension is better than when I got the Rhinoceros book months ago. Prolly is.

      You’re too damn young to be so wise! And chirpy! May both continue for you. >:-D And thank you for passing it on.

      Yes, not literal, just expressing the recognition of my inabilities being right in my face. I liked it better when my brain stuff was something I took for granted. Having it shift isn’t, uh, very much fun. Just sayin’. (OK–it’s reeeeeeeeally hard. I love surprises, but not this one.)


    • lahgitana
      Oct 06, 2012 @ 07:26:59

      Oh I see the Stupid Novice book at Amazon and remember it now! I don’t think I bought it the first time you recommended it. May have to search here. >:-D


  2. ~ Ivy ~ (@ivyft)
    Oct 07, 2012 @ 12:59:29

    My gene pool (aka mom and dad) includes a tendency to depression. However, I graduated as a psychologist BEFORE I figured that out completely, which turned out to be a great thing. Knowing very well how all meds work, I resisted bravely to ever starting to take them. Decided to learn how to cope instead. Believe me, there ARE alternatives and I applaud you for at least trying to go down that road now. As for the re-fis… oh well… That’s life, I guess.


    • lahgitana
      Oct 07, 2012 @ 14:22:42

      I can tell that you give your clients lots of options and combinations, Ivy. I take heart from your encouragement–this road I’m on is the correct one for me.

      I have spent time beating myself up for having given in and taken the drugs; however, they were the best choice for the time. That was then. This is now.

      Wonder what’s gonna happen next?! >:-D

      Re-fi = The Money System, about which I could NEVER know enough to make a so-called informed decision. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching The Emperor’s New Clothes–shouldn’t we be saying SOMETHING when it all seems so unnecessarily complex?!

      Out to the studio to carve and whittle my Ferrocement Guy. Cheerful-er, that!


  3. ~ Ivy ~ (@ivyft)
    Oct 08, 2012 @ 12:38:36



  4. heretherebespiders
    Oct 09, 2012 @ 14:10:56

    I’m late in! I’ve been off in my own low-serotonin space. And still fighting off meds to cure it, but I know when enough is enough, too – just not quite there yet. As you knew, too, or they never would have given them to ye.
    Well, you know I’m not a proponent of much in the way of alternative medicine. If it worked, it wouldn’t be alternative – money is at the root of everything – they would find a way to make you pay out the hole if it worked. But! People are as diverse as snowflakes and rare problems have rare cures. Some of us have strange things happen and then we need strange solutions.


    • lahgitana
      Oct 09, 2012 @ 15:00:08

      you might think about amino acid therapy, as it’s called, which is nothing more than being sure we’ve got enough of same. they make up human proteins and are very important. it’s worth just reading about…. they’ll charge you money for it, too! <:-D

      you live in a northern clime, so you must know tricks to help that, yes? Vit D, B6… got a nutritionist nearby?

      it's only called Alternative medicine because the mainstream guys said so. surgery is alternative medicine, so is chemo…. they are ALL alternatives from which to choose.

      Most of the Alternative meds are gentler–what is it that Anita says? They are NOT the sledgehammer approach.

      I hope you get relief, E. It's such a b!tch feeling dogged by the downs!

      Did you see that Deirdre recommended a book called The Biology of Belief? I'm reading it now. good science, good spiritualism in an unexpected combo.


      • heretherebespiders
        Oct 10, 2012 @ 13:43:28

        I wouldn’t trust a nutritionlist here to feed my plants. I just think that by the time I figure out all the weird things my body does and why, I’ll be too old for it to matter. grief gives me heart palpitations. Stress/depression gives me joint pain and bowel issues not unlike fibromyalgia (I called BS on that diagnosis years ago). You cannot ‘cure’ grief and stress. I have no belief in spiritualism, I’m just intelligent meat. It’s my bloody job, is all. I’m trapped and I hate it and that is that. Why do I always unload on you? I am so sorry. I don’t do this on my own blog because it’s boring, I have no right to do it here! I’ll shut up now.


        • lahgitana
          Oct 10, 2012 @ 14:01:36

          Oh my dear. Keep talking! Here anytime! Email!

          I’m not feeling very coherent right now, but I wish to offer you soothing words.

          Being/feeling trapped is something I experience fairly regularly. Why, just today…. It’s a horrible spot to stand in.

          Being spiritual doesn’t mean religion, right? I think that word has been stolen by the religious. You have drawn me two pictures, E, and both of them connected with ME, purple me, and especially absent me. That’s spiritual. You have it, you just can’t help it! >:-D

          Whenever you connect from your own self to another, you’re being/doing it. It can feel terribly vulnerable, my dear, because the best comes from our true selves and we do have a lot of life experience bound up in our selves, some of which is quite painful.

          I agree that stress, depression, and grief aren’t cured, but lived through. Especially grief. For me, grief can eat me up until I’m an angry, but empty shell. I MUST express the grief somehow. In art. Writing. Talking with someone trusted who ALWAYS has my back and NEVER judges. Just saying the words, usually locked inside, that have brought forth the grieving. And then the grief becomes misty and I have more room for other feelings.

          Write, girl. Just write. Look at the people who come to your blog. They aren’t expecting anything except YOU. You are much more than misshapen carrots, fabric-eating cats, and hard drinking. It’s OK to tell about that other stuff. We ALL have that other stuff!!

          Start small. Massage the idea until you’ve found an acceptable-to-you way to express the feeling. (Jaysus–look at me going on and on about the medical world and nobody has abandoned me, just held on until I was done! And then came back to see what else I was goin’ on about!)

          Don’t make me write a blog post about spirituality, connection, and community. I’m tired and covered in cat hair.

          (Big ole hug!)


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