Perhaps I will forget the former easy facility of my brain power.  Perhaps there will come one moment when I don’t compare now with then, that I don’t notice that I have to concentrate to be sure to get the day-after-day same ole ingredients into my cereal bowl, that I cannot think of something else at the same time.

Perhaps I will no longer notice that I have dropped into a dimmer-witted state, that I no longer am lightning-quick.  Perhaps I won’t care that I’m not as smartly-able as I was in the before-time.

Perhaps I’ll stop thinking I’m someone else, that person I’ve witnessed countless times in classes who struggles with concepts, concepts for me that in the before-time often just floated into my mind as whole bits and meshed with other remembered knowledge.  Perhaps I’ll accept the new way to be a student, a student who struggles to succeed and then to excel.

Perhaps the devastating disappointment observing my difficulties reading will fade to nothing so that as I struggle to get my eyes to follow the words into my brain, I won’t notice how sad I am to have lost that quick reading uptake.

Perhaps I will forget that I could spell any word in the before-time, that I always chose the homonym I intended.   That I knew that homonyms were fascinating choices instead of blobs of sameness.

Perhaps I will feel deep relief that in the before-time I studied English, Mandarin, French, Italian, Latin, Spanish, and Akkadian so that at least I was able in my lifetime to experience that intellectual joy and cultural connection.

Perhaps it won’t matter that I cannot remember.

Perhaps the River Lethe will welcome me to her banks.   And then, perhaps, I will once more want to talk and write instead of avoiding the dread of once more witnessing the dimmer-witted me.  Perhaps I’ll forget the old me and get to know the new me.

Alaska’s River Lethe, along whose banks I did trudge in the early 1980s.  Valley of 10,000 Smokes, Katmai National Park.  (credit:


7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 10000hourstobe
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 11:22:17

    Beautiful post, L. Gorgeous photography. I understand mourning what you used to be. Don’t know if you wrote this way before you got sick, or not…but, your words are deeply moving.


  2. heretherebespiders
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 11:37:37

    I hope you don’t forget, because I hope you’ll get back to yourself. Wish I could help!


  3. FeyGirl
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 12:05:33

    this is a beautiful, superbly-written post… accompanied by a gorgeous image. i’m sorry you’re mourning, but perhaps you can flip it as such: we all evolve — and you are too. i wish i had half your brain power, now… ♥


  4. sweetdaysundertheoaks
    Sep 07, 2012 @ 04:13:50

    Hugs to you L. If you are talking about the now dim-witted you, I can’t imagine the not dim-witted you. I was so taken by your writing and beautiful vocabulary just in Isobel’s comments one day at the god’s blog that I thought Wow! I am out of my league here but I sure could learn a thing or two. I am the person you are talking about up there every day… :) I am sorry you are struggling. It kills me to hear that you dread writing and talking because of the fear it won’t be the old you. This is a beautifully written blog post and I agree with FeyGirl, I wish I had half your brain power. Hell I’d be happy with one quarter of it!


  5. Lea
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 02:20:02

    These words come from someone with great brain power!


  6. lahgitana
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 07:53:34

    10000 Hours, Spiders, FeyGirl, Pix, and Lea (welcome to you, Lea!): thank you for being here. I am having great difficulty talking about this, but knowing me, I will rebound to my sassy self and be able to respond to each of you. Your words mean worlds to me. L.


  7. nadbugs
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 15:43:37

    No response necessary for me, Lahgitana. Resting in the beauty of what you said first time.


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