perhaps

Perhaps I will forget the former easy facility of my brain power.  Perhaps there will come one moment when I don’t compare now with then, that I don’t notice that I have to concentrate to be sure to get the day-after-day same ole ingredients into my cereal bowl, that I cannot think of something else at the same time.

Perhaps I will no longer notice that I have dropped into a dimmer-witted state, that I no longer am lightning-quick.  Perhaps I won’t care that I’m not as smartly-able as I was in the before-time.

Perhaps I’ll stop thinking I’m someone else, that person I’ve witnessed countless times in classes who struggles with concepts, concepts for me that in the before-time often just floated into my mind as whole bits and meshed with other remembered knowledge.  Perhaps I’ll accept the new way to be a student, a student who struggles to succeed and then to excel.

Perhaps the devastating disappointment observing my difficulties reading will fade to nothing so that as I struggle to get my eyes to follow the words into my brain, I won’t notice how sad I am to have lost that quick reading uptake.

Perhaps I will forget that I could spell any word in the before-time, that I always chose the homonym I intended.   That I knew that homonyms were fascinating choices instead of blobs of sameness.

Perhaps I will feel deep relief that in the before-time I studied English, Mandarin, French, Italian, Latin, Spanish, and Akkadian so that at least I was able in my lifetime to experience that intellectual joy and cultural connection.

Perhaps it won’t matter that I cannot remember.

Perhaps the River Lethe will welcome me to her banks.   And then, perhaps, I will once more want to talk and write instead of avoiding the dread of once more witnessing the dimmer-witted me.  Perhaps I’ll forget the old me and get to know the new me.

Alaska’s River Lethe, along whose banks I did trudge in the early 1980s.  Valley of 10,000 Smokes, Katmai National Park.  (credit:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:RiverLethe.jpg)

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. 10000hourstobe
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 11:22:17

    Beautiful post, L. Gorgeous photography. I understand mourning what you used to be. Don’t know if you wrote this way before you got sick, or not…but, your words are deeply moving.

    Reply

  2. heretherebespiders
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 11:37:37

    I hope you don’t forget, because I hope you’ll get back to yourself. Wish I could help!

    Reply

  3. FeyGirl
    Sep 06, 2012 @ 12:05:33

    this is a beautiful, superbly-written post… accompanied by a gorgeous image. i’m sorry you’re mourning, but perhaps you can flip it as such: we all evolve — and you are too. i wish i had half your brain power, now… ♥

    Reply

  4. sweetdaysundertheoaks
    Sep 07, 2012 @ 04:13:50

    Hugs to you L. If you are talking about the now dim-witted you, I can’t imagine the not dim-witted you. I was so taken by your writing and beautiful vocabulary just in Isobel’s comments one day at the god’s blog that I thought Wow! I am out of my league here but I sure could learn a thing or two. I am the person you are talking about up there every day… :) I am sorry you are struggling. It kills me to hear that you dread writing and talking because of the fear it won’t be the old you. This is a beautifully written blog post and I agree with FeyGirl, I wish I had half your brain power. Hell I’d be happy with one quarter of it!

    Reply

  5. Lea
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 02:20:02

    These words come from someone with great brain power!

    Reply

  6. lahgitana
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 07:53:34

    10000 Hours, Spiders, FeyGirl, Pix, and Lea (welcome to you, Lea!): thank you for being here. I am having great difficulty talking about this, but knowing me, I will rebound to my sassy self and be able to respond to each of you. Your words mean worlds to me. L.

    Reply

  7. nadbugs
    Sep 08, 2012 @ 15:43:37

    No response necessary for me, Lahgitana. Resting in the beauty of what you said first time.

    Reply

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