can’t sleep; heart is overflowing

This has been a difficult time and not just for me.  But it’s still about me because I’m sad about my Mom.

She had her 87th birthday in the rehab center last week where she is recuperating from pneumonia.  I think she went into hospital around the 1st of April, but I can’t quite recall.   Tonight when I talked to her I was filled with the feeling that it was the last time I’d talk to her, that she will die from this bout of pneumonia.

Since I need to stay away from care centers and hospitals because my immune system is shot (Big says a visit to one of those places would be me courting a death sentence), I have not seen her since early February, a week before my own hellish roller coaster ride began.

The overflowing sadness is maybe I won’t get to see Mom again before she dies.  How crap is that?  It’s not supposed to be this way.  Of course, she nearly didn’t get to see me again, if you follow.

Big Mister has visited her in hospital and even on her birthday in the care center.  He took her little pastries as birthday goodies.  Will my last visits with Mom be by proxy?  I’m reminded of when Big’s mother was in hospital and dying two Februarys ago–I’d had extensive oral surgery and was on major drugs, so I said goodbye to her by proxy.

I can’t afford to have too many feelings about anything–I have way too much going on just getting through a day.   Can’t help anyone else until I’m whole again.  Can’t be much of a friend.  But I’m sad.  Partial brokenheartedness that is at a distance, the way so much still is for me.

And then, just because Life is full of lifeness as minlit says, BuddyBoop the cat, who adopted us through the kitty door, just came in the house, talking all through the rooms, in his monosyllable questions — Meowr?  Rowr?—  looking for someone, anyone and me responding to each syllable with a quiet BuddyBoop so he’d know where to find a monkey who is awake.  Cat and monkey call and response.

He jumped up here right onto my chest and scooched forward until his 15 fuzzball pounds were sitting almost under my chin (never mind that there was a computer on my lap).   He pressed his forehead against mine for several seconds–a very new thing for him–then turned around and stood on my belly so I was graced with a full view-and-sniff of cat-butt.  Thank you BuddyBoop.

20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. heretherebespiders
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 23:56:41

    Oh no. I hope your mom recovers. You all just have too much going on right now, don’t you? Thanks from me to Big Mister and Buddy for doing their best to take care of you both. *hug*


  2. Jude
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 05:20:49

    Really hope your mum gets through this. It must be absolutely rotten not being able to go and see her. Sounds like life is sending you a few too many challenges recently. Try not to let the bastard (life) get you down. HUGS attached.


    • lahgitana
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:23:07

      Illegitimati non carborundum: my mother taught me that yonks ago — I even have a line of print taped to my dresser! Yes, doing triage on the list of challenges and am left with only the one–getting well. sigh….

      Thank you, Jude. Usually this is a fun-fest over here, but it has been grim for a while now.


  3. nadbugs
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 07:19:59

    And there can be no greater honor than getting presented with both ends of Cat. I feel very glad BB was there for you. This time of life is truly a marathon challenge for you, I hear, in so many ways. Surely the impact on your relationship with your mother is the single most intimate difficulty — other than your relationship with yourself and Big. My heart (and I’m sure Bugs and Fang would agree theirs too) goes out to you. Sounds like your challenge is an endurance one — for which long-term patience and care are the watchwords, I feel? Sending them your way, dear Lahgitana.


    • lahgitana
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:25:55

      Yes, I actually smiled at BB. Usually he lies down on me and warms his feet, then leaves directly. This was all new. I swear, cats are prescient.

      Thank you, Bean, yes need the will to allow the days to come as they do and to keep my cool. Today is a bad day after having heard Mom’s voice last night and knowing she is worse instead of better. That poor lady has been through hell in her old age.


  4. IsobelandCat
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 07:36:16

    Big hugs to you. This is an impossible situation. Does your mother know why you aren’t with her? Does she understand? The important thing is you know you love her and i am sure she knows you do too.


    • lahgitana
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:29:55

      Isobel, you said it very well–this is impossible. It is extraordinarily painful to have to choose myself over my Mom, who is suffering.

      Yes, she does understand. Last week when talking to her, I was confirming that someone had told her why I wasn’t with her. Oh yes, she knew and then: “And I forbid you to visit!”

      That is what gets me through this time, that I have a solid foundation with Mom and she with me. I hope it gets her through her own struggles.

      Thank you for stopping by, Isobel.


      • IsobelandCat
        Apr 19, 2012 @ 14:10:05

        Last year I had a very hard year with my mother in and out of hospital and ending up in the nursing home, a much diminished woman, so your post hit quite a few buttons.
        You could of course have been in Italy and unable to visit. You have a connection, a good one. That is what will count now and for the future.


        • lahgitana
          Apr 19, 2012 @ 15:40:24

          I have thought of your own path with your mother, Isobel. That is also in the works, Mom leaving her home and moving to a care center. That started the day I got home from the hospital and I’ve been unable to help with that. Too.

          You do remind me to hang onto the connection. Yes, I would likely have not flown home from Italy…. Life goes on….

          Thanks so much for sharing Isobel. I can’t tell you how much succor I get from these quick notes back and forth. You’d never know it by what I write here, but I have always been an intensely private person. If I still were, I wouldn’t be receiving all kinds of support from lovely people all over the world.


      • nadbugs
        Apr 19, 2012 @ 14:10:52

        So so GLAD to hear this!


  5. Kathryn McCullough
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:09:34

    Oh, I feel so bad for you in this situation–and for your mom. Just hang in there and take care of yourself. (Like, that’s really easy!) Hopefully that’s what your mom would want for you.

    Big hugs to you, my friend,


    • lahgitana
      Apr 19, 2012 @ 13:31:41

      Thanks, Kathy. I am doing that, taking care of myself, and Mom does indeed want me to get well. I was too out of it for so long to be able to talk to her about my own illness, so we didn’t even get to work through that together.


  6. IsobelandCat
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 07:00:29

    I hope I got what Nadbugs meant!
    I found the support I had on the blog last year really valuable. In many ways as important as that from non-virtual friends as the act of writing about how I felt and what was happening helped enormously. Also, no one needed to comment if they didn’t want to.
    Stay strong’


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