what kind of blogger do I want to be?

These late May days are better in character than days were just a couple of months ago:  much less weird-a&& anxiety, more calm response to life, rather than the blinding brain-meltdowns of the recent past.  Recognition, learning, adapting.  Continuing stubborn.  Continuing to push the limits and just try.

I have spent about 5 hours reading around a blog I found through a WP Reader search for “brain fog.”   Broken Brain – Brilliant Mind, is one person’s catalog and commentary about his own several (!) brain injuries.  (The author writes anonymously, so I am choosing the gender.)

He chronicles his own brain-specific moments through blogging, but he has also organized a library of sorts.  Hence, the 5 hours of reading.  Followed by exhausted resting in the afternoons.

My last injured 15 months have been chronicled here, not intentionally as blog fodder, but out of need to make some sense of me through the art of writing.    For which I am deeply grateful now that I’ve discovered the battering my short-term memory took.

I began this blog because I simply had to write.  I still want this blog to be about giving an account of myself in discovering the world.  I am more than the walking wounded, but I do not do as much as I did back at the start of the blog in July 2011, so have fewer topics to wander around in.  I don’t want this blog to devolve into solely a traipse through a brain injury; although it will include those meanders, how much I don’t know right now.

It is apparently my time to discover and implement resources for healing, and especially, adapting.  One discovery in this online reading has been the documented phenomenon of cognitive fatigue.

Another is an entire book dedicated to “self-therapy” for brain injury, a thorough discussion of brain injury with the goal of creating one’s own healing process because we are the only ones who can know how things are working internally.

(Though, I am somewhat amused to be wanting to edit the book’s structure to make it more brain-friendly.  Hint:  paragraph breaks give us a chance to breathe and absorb!  Or:  my, that’s a lot of solid blocks of text there when your audience may have difficulty following!)

Those two finds alone validate my many months of solo journeying back from the brink and discovering a scrambled brain, where before illness was a very powerful, cognitively adept brain, able to learn just about anything (except calculus).

I’m tired out now from reading so much about brain injury.  Can I have a rueful laugh from the audience, please?

The answer to my blog post title is that my blogging and my life must be full of variety, so that is my goal.  I don’t yet have the how, but I will have faith that I will keep making the right choices in order to discover the steps back to a fuller life.

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39 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ~ Ivy ~ (@ivyft)
    May 22, 2013 @ 14:52:04

    Count me in for the ride: the discovery, the diversity, whatever. Glad to know that your days have been somehow better, L!

    Reply

  2. JustI
    May 22, 2013 @ 19:42:30

    Hang in there girl…time is on your side :)

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 22, 2013 @ 19:57:11

      Hi JustI! The guy over at Broken Brain mentioned Jill Bolte Taylor! I still can’t believe I didn’t understand why you left me that link. So glad you’re here, girl!

      How’s your bum bone?! I don’t remember if you said you’re healed up and ready to ride??

      Reply

  3. speccy
    May 23, 2013 @ 00:57:56

    Oh, what a great find :)
    Also, YES to paragraph breaks!!

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 23, 2013 @ 07:15:47

      I did think of you when I was reading some of the text in the self-therapy book–especially the scheduling and planning bits.

      My poor little brain even took me to the shops looking for something like a planner that also works for my writer self, but no joy. When I got home, smart little brain says–yeah, what about printing out a daily page from iCal (the Mac calendar program?!

      So I did! All of May! Since I started tracking crashes and possible related moments in April, I got to put them in some sort of order. Annotated, too! <:-D

      Reply

  4. Pix Under the Oaks
    May 23, 2013 @ 05:20:06

    I am glad you have found a blog that helps L even though it poops you out! I am one of those people that type out words with no paragraph breaks. I have found on blogs that HAVE breaks that I find myself befuddled with all the info in one post! I am having less of weird-a$$ anxiety too.. :)

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 23, 2013 @ 07:20:17

      Isn’t that interesting–I get a mental break/brake when words are organized into smaller paragraphs and you get overloaded! I believe it’s an art (=writing!) to break thoughts well, organize them into smaller chunks.

      Yaaaay, for the even breathing and coherent thinking! (Pix, you’ve never bonked your head or taken a header off a horse, right?!)

      Reply

      • Pix Under the Oaks
        May 23, 2013 @ 14:05:56

        I have bonked my head and taken several headers off of horses.. :)

        Reply

        • lahgitana
          May 23, 2013 @ 14:14:13

          so, ever thought about the anxiety in relation to head bonks? the anxiety I live through with this injury is weird–it’s too easy to find a rational explanation for the anxiety because that’s what we do, ‘splain things to ourselves. Anxiety is hugely normal in head injury…. hmmmm….

          the reading I’ve been doing makes me cringe in memory of a couple of head bashes in my past, well FOUR of them! concussion apparently doesn’t always look like an injury, if you understand….

          lordy, I promise not to become a reformed brain-hurt person–I’ve been thinking about this for a while….

          Reply

          • Pix Under the Oaks
            May 24, 2013 @ 07:59:26

            Hmm. I dunno. I really think my anxiety started as a kid and you sort of know that story. But it went full blown when I got married and had to move all over the US every 18 months!! CH and I have talked about it. I think being a military wife blew my circuits.. :)

            Reply

            • lahgitana
              May 24, 2013 @ 08:13:59

              I did think i was being rather cheeky even wondering, especially out loud!

              Geeeez, every 18 MONTHS?! I’d-a gone bananas, myself!

  5. jacquiefioramonti
    May 23, 2013 @ 09:16:39

    Well, we’ll be right along side you, enjoying your interesting posts – variety is the spice of life, so keep surprising us :)

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 23, 2013 @ 09:32:19

      You speak to my fear in such a lovely way, the fear that I’ll be left alone in all this mess. Thank you so much, Jacquie, for being along for this strange ride. !!

      Reply

  6. heretherebespiders
    May 23, 2013 @ 15:48:21

    Hi luvvie! I think I know why you like me now – I love to bust my thoughts apart for emphasis. I’m a bit shite at that when writing fiction, but hey! I barely do that anyway. Um. I could use a good gal-chat, myself – and as evidenced lately on de blog, I’m not writing. Just seeing. I miss ye :)

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 23, 2013 @ 17:04:01

      Hi You! Sometimes ya just gotta be the audience until the next thing happens…. just sayin’! So glad you felt up to leaving a note here–I know it’s hard sometimes to get words to string together.

      Will look forward to further news about your job changes.

      Reply

  7. IsobelandCat
    May 27, 2013 @ 04:37:05

    Just keep writing and I’ll keep reading.

    Reply

  8. Jude
    May 28, 2013 @ 13:45:25

    Hey L, no comments or posts from me recently due to going through a ‘difficult patch’. Low moods and the like. Black clouds and all that. Just to say keep blogging cus I love following your blog. Hugs :)

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 28, 2013 @ 13:48:29

      oh I’m sorry, Jude. The Treacle Monster nearby? I hope it’s not bad news from afar….

      You are wonderful to make the effort to leave a note, girl. I enjoyed your mill pics very much today–I want to peek under the building!

      Reply

  9. Jude
    May 29, 2013 @ 02:27:11

    You’ll need your diving gear for a peek under there!

    Not bad news, just a big wobble with the hubby. Relationships have never been my star subject. Maybe this is what happens when you meet someone and run away with them to a foreign country within 10 months? (in 2004). Why are we so blind when we’re in love? Reading lots of Buddhism at the moment, and it’s helping.

    Glad to see you posting again, I know you’re not finding life easy either. More hugs x

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 29, 2013 @ 07:47:33

      Both those things are fraught–a quick romance and moving country–but simultaneously?! That’s a lot of adjusting for the Rubber Band of the Soul, methinks. The only thing I’ve learned in my years is weathering the wobbles (with plenty of messiness on my part).

      Did you ever read that book that Deirdre recommended? “Bring Me the Rhinoceros” by John Tarrant, a collection of zen koans.

      She also recommended “Novice to Master: An Ongoing Lesson in the Extent of My Own Stupidity” (Soko Morinaga). I tried to read that during what was apparently the depth of the brain fog, so I got zero out of it of course!

      Hugs to you, Jude. And thanks for the tip about the diving gear! hee hee!

      Reply

    • heretherebespiders
      Jun 02, 2013 @ 13:05:36

      Hi Jude – I’m feeling you for sure. Met hubby in June 04 and we were married by April 05 – been in Ireland since May 05. 3,000 miles on a whim, it feels like at times. If you ever want to share a rant, email me! I have a history of disastrous serial monogamy so I bet we have a lot in common :)

      Reply

  10. Jude
    May 31, 2013 @ 03:24:36

    Love the way you write … ‘the rubber band of the soul’ I’ll remember that one! I’m just about to check out the rhinoceros book, and ‘Novice to Master.

    Just to add to current challenges, my sis was told yesterday that her chemo isn’t working and cancer is back just as strong. A new drug trial is now a last resort. It never rains but it pours. Could be off to England again in the near future.

    You stay strong L.

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 31, 2013 @ 07:57:13

      I’m so sorry about your sister, Jude. I know when you last were there that the prognosis wasn’t good. Damn…

      I’ve had a huge lesson in being stretched until I was sure I was going to break, but then feeling the stretching easing…. Far easier to think of a rubber band with its resilience than something with less give….

      Reply

  11. Jude
    May 31, 2013 @ 13:37:47

    Bungeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      May 31, 2013 @ 13:40:13

      hahahahahahaa! that may be perfect! I’m envisioning taking the dive off the bridge with the bungeeeeeeee–it’s gotta have a bunch o’ bounces until everything settles down!

      PS. Hahahahahahaha!

      Reply

  12. 10000hourstobe
    Jun 02, 2013 @ 08:29:22

    As you probably guessed…I’m catching up with email and reading your blog, sister. This was beautiful, once again. You are probably one of the most authentic souls I know. Your blog is ever evolving and the tapestry continually changing–but it is always you. I was struck by the word “healing” today. I respect how you have worked to insulate and protect your brain from negative stress. Making certain that you give your brain time to sleep when it needs to recover from exercise. That alone is a lesson many of us could take away from your experience. It is sad how many of us continue hurting ourselves just to accommodate what others expect of us.

    Reply

    • lahgitana
      Jun 04, 2013 @ 07:27:04

      Another of my hard-won lessons is to keep a lid on the positive stress. Stress is stress, as the engineers might tell us–some holds up the archway, some tears it down.

      I do wonder how often we ignore the inner voice because we’re afraid of the consequence of stopping.

      Reply

  13. 10000hourstobe
    Jun 05, 2013 @ 05:47:35

    Great insight. I do this to myself all the time. I think this is called “having too much of a good thing…”

    Reply

  14. Dianda
    Jun 07, 2013 @ 11:56:32

    You’re a fun blog to read. :) Even with the ups and downs. I like your writing-style!

    Reply

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